Letting go of negative thoughts clears the road for a happy and calm mind. Forgiveness is a brick on the road to living free of hate, anger, and negativity. Learn to forgive and move on from the things you cannot change
“forgiving is the only way I’ll find peace of mind.” Singer Willie Nelson
We all become angered daily; by the person who cuts us up in traffic, the flippant remark from a stranger or a nosey relative on the phone. The quicker we can forgive these minor affronts and move on, the quicker we can return to a state of calm.
Some offences are much more serious and can occur over a period of time; an abusive parent, a cheating partner, a disloyal friend or co-worker. In these cases forgiveness is a much harder task (and one that should be applied only at the appropriate time). Even in these cases the power of forgiveness can release us from negativity.
It’s very important to be able to forgive ourselves also. Everyone makes mistakes and it’s vital to be able to analyse, learn and forgive ourselves to be able to move on and be become better versions.
What is Forgiveness?
Forgiveness is more about the forgiver than the person who performed the act against them. It’s about accepting that you can’t change the past and that holding onto your anger does not benefit you in the present nor in the future. It is saying ‘I have been wronged but I will get past that and look forward, not backwards’
"Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could be any different." Oprah Winfrey
Forgiveness is about letting go of the anger. It is about learning from the situation but not holding onto the pain that was inflicted.
It is important to note that in extreme cases, such as an abusive parent, it is important for the victim to go through states such as anger first before coming to a place of forgiveness. Trying to forgive to quickly can in itself an create problems
What is Forgiveness Not?
Forgiveness is not condoning the act. It does not excuse or giving pardon to other people’s past behavior that has really hurt us.
It does not mean the person who has been wronged will return to the previous situation i.e. go back to the relationship or let that person back into positions of trust. It does not necessarily mean things will go back to normal. It does not OK the act or the perpetrator.
The Benefits of Forgiveness
Forgiveness is believed to be beneficial to health because the opposite - holding on to anger and thoughts of revenge - has been shown through various studies to have negative physiological affects such as raised blood pressure, tension, stress, depression and fatigue. Forgiveness is the antidote, releasing you from these negative reactions and improving your overall well being.
"Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves." Confucious
Think about it, whenever you start to ruminate about someone who has done you wrong how do you feel? Angry, stressed, unhappy……these thoughts and emotions are not affecting the person who acted against you, they are only affecting you.
Why is it so hard to forgive?
It can feel like by forgiving someone you are saying it is OK that they did this thing, it can feel like you are letting them ‘get away with it’. Forgiving someone may feel like letting go of your position as 'the wronged' and the position of power you may feel that brings. These things are not true, but they can feel very real, especially if you are not ready to forgive yet.
Tips To Practicing Forgiveness
With practice we can learn to let go of the anger against those that have wronged us. Start by identifying someone you are angry with. Start with someone who did not commit a huge injustice against you. Start minor and practice!
Decide that you are ready to forgive. Decide that you want to let go of the anger. You have the power to end the negative effect of what happened. What has already happened can’t be changed. You can decide that it’s time to move on. You can keep the anger inside and prolong the negative effect of what occurred, or you can say enough is enough and take a step away from the anger by forgiving. This is your choice, you have this power and you will be doing it for your own well being.
Be honest about how you are feeling. Write down your feelings. If suitable for you speak about what happened and how you are feeling to someone close; friends, therapists, other supportive people. By doing so you will be letting out your feelings and purging the negative. Try not to be over emotional and complaining. Simply state the facts and the negative resulting affects it had on you. Keep away from name calling against the person.
Hold the person you have identified in your mind and try to understand why they did what they did. What shortcomings of theirs made them act in such a way? What lack of emotional understanding led them to that point? Try to find compassion for that person. Try to see if you can understand their angle on the situation. I was badly treated in the past and very angry about it for sometime. However when I really thought about it, the person who treated me badly had had a difficult childhood. They were emotionally scarred by that. This does not excuse the treatment I received but it does give me some insight into why they acted the way they did. This helped me let go of my anger towards them.
Accept that you can’t change the past. Let go of the frustration that things didn’t happen as they should of.
Try not to ruminate over the event. Going over it again and again will fill you with anger and prolong your return to a happy calm state of mind.
Remember that forgiving will benefit you. You may be forgiving someone else but it will improve your well being. Forgiving is a powerful action and by doing it you empower yourself.
If you are finding it hard to let go then you can always try forgiving someone just for a moment. See how it feels. You can keep practicing it until one day you may be able to forgive them entirely.